who you are is who you'll be && that is really everything.

I've just finished a bag of one of my new addictions that my roomie & I started earlier while watching The Biggest Loser, ah, the irony. I'm certain that i'm going to hate my entire life, in the morning. I have to be up at six for work in the morning & I just cannot stop watching Will & Grace re-runs, shiiiiiit.

I'm currently typing with my right hand, while my left hand rests in pain, having had hot tea poured on it, just a couple of hours ago. I'm sorry, but MUST Starbucks fill my cup to the heaping brim with 293802901921 degree tea? Haha, goodness. It's probably, actually, MY fault for giving into the idea of Starbucks on the daily. I've been keeping things low key since my cold began, last week. It feels like something else gives out on my body, every day. It started with my head, then, sneezing followed by terrible coughing & now...this brutal sore throat. Today was my "sunday" from work & my only thing to do today was classes from 3-8 plus gym time, of course, before. I woke up at seven, this morning to get ready for my morning work out & attempted to swallow but was unable to without my eyes filling with tears; it hurt SO bad. So, I thought, why not just get some sleep on your day off of work? Welp, having a puppy means no sleep, ever, unless he wants to sleep, haha. I let him run around the entire living room & my room, while I just laid in bed, for, seriously, HOURS with no sleep. I could've easily fell right to sleep, but had to keep one eye open with Gats because of this new motherly instinct that comes with getting a dog, HA. Finally, Gatsby decided to come nap with me, so I slept from 10-noon & in that time, managed to dream about Derrick. Hahaha. How sad. Since, he'd been texting me that entire time, I had to tell him I was dreaming about him because, uh, apparently I have NO shame? Wonka, wonka.


Finally, I managed to get up & get myself ready for the gym, followed by schoooooool. As much as everyone has tried to advice me away from the gym while i'm sick, it's made me feel SO good to sweat this shit out. We used chairs in Stretch Yoga & it was incredible, as always.

Oh & I cannot believe that Derrick & I can text each other all day, every day & never run out of the things to say & we've been doing this for months, now. Haha. Apparently, he has a new work out that he's learned from the fire academy that he wants to try on me that'll push me to my brink but I'll be able to get through it. I'm not scared & he loves that about me, haha. Well, that's what he said, anyways.

Something was said to my friend Nick, the other night, from Jesse about "looking for some vag, tonight" followed by Jesse texting me MOMENTS later. I guess Jesse just isn't sneaky about anything because word got back to me that that was said & I'm seriously about to get crazy ass German Sarah on him, seriously. I'll fuck his shit up. Haha. I'm so vulgar.


GOOD NIGHT <3

You probably won't want to read any further than this if you don't care about the entertainment business, but me being who I am, haha, this is my re-cap of the night...

Heath Ledger won for best supporting actor, duh. I really don't think anyone going against him even thought that they had a chance, he was flawless & he'll forever be the most timeless actor, to me. I was in tears as his parents & sister accepted for him, goodness.


Sean Penn won best actor for Milk, which I LOVED & thank the sweet baby Jesus that Mickey Rourke didn't win because really? Come on. Haha.


Although, I was pulling for Meryl Streep, who is so incredible & I would do anything she ever told me to, Kate Winslet, who can do NO wrong in my eyes, won best actress for The Reader, which I haven't seen, yet, but she's ridiculously talented & gorgeous.


Amy Adams should've snagged best supporting actress because she's SO amazing & I just have this awful dislike for Penelope Cruz, who won, boo:/

Hugh Jackman as a host was pretty intense, haha, but WAY too many musical numbers & I adore musicals. But, really, this isn't the Tony Awards.


Zac Efron performing... BEAUTIFUL. Hahaha, but, again, he couldn't do any wrong in my eyes, either. Vanessa Hudgens being there with him, though, ick. Beyonce, as well, ICK.


Ben Stiller as Joaquin Phoenix, OH MY GOD SO HILARIOUS! As well as James Franco & Seth Rogan as their brilliant characters in Pineapple Express.


Hmm, what am I missing here...

Ooh! The writer of Milk? Uh, ADORABLE gay man who I'm officially in love with, haha. Yep, that's all for now.

This is just one reason why I adore Derrick...

via text, the other night:

Me: Gatsby is sound asleep on my feet, underneath my desk, as I text you.
Him: Well, I wouldn't assume he'd be anywhere else, at midnight, while you're reading up on celebrities, am I right?
Me: Hahaha, you know me too well or maybe I'm just too predictable.
Him: Well, I'm gonna get my things ready for another long day tomorrow, have a great night & you too Gats! I whispered that last part, though, no worries!
Me: Awww, he says, "good night, cute boy" in his Australian accent. Well, maybe he was just passing on the word for mom on that last part, haha.
Him: Ah thanks gorgeous! Night night, mama!


He's going to wake up one day & realize that we'd be golden together, right? :/

It just might explode; head colds - not okay.


Surprisingly, a hot shower just made me feel a little better...
fuck this life with no health insurance, OBAMA, HELP OUR COUNTRY! :]





Confessions of a Shopaholic? SUCK BAG excuse for a movie, I'm sorry, but Isla Fisher just isn't funny to me, at all. I know, I know, "...but she was SO hilarious in Wedding Crashers!" Uh, because Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson & others carried that movie; she just shouldn't be playing a lead role, just yet. Again, this is just my opinion, haha.

Work was somewhat smooth, I guess. I'm so so so over stupid ass sunflower granola, though. Haha, cool nickname behind her back, I'm rude. But, she's TERRIBLE.

Surprised my favorite cousin, Lindsey, for her birthday dinner at Outback - a veg heads' dream, right? - tonight. Her fiance, Jaymes, set it all up & about ten of us were there for her, they're adorable & as much as i'm in absolute refusal to ever wed, I'm so overjoyed to be a bridesmaid for them in May <3

I'd just like to comment on the newly leaked Rihanna photo... holy shit, she got BEAT. Haha, I mean, it's not funny, but as an aspiring entertainment journalist, things like this give me goosebumps, in the best way. Shoot, i'm a jerk. Chris Brown's way too young for people to be deeming his career over, but he's going to lose A TON of fans, endorsements, respect, etc. Ps. I damn near look like her mug, right now with how haggard this cold is making me appear...

Confessions of a Shopaholic is going to be rewarding after a thirteen hour work & school day<3

In my attempt to keep it posi for back to work tomorrow morning, I've compiled a list of things that make me so flipping happy right now:


> JAY GATSBY, my precious, perfection of a puppy.
> My stretch yoga & my history of western civilization classes.
> Rolling Stone magazine - always, but Sean Penn's interview on the newest one? Impeccable.
> The following television shows, in no particular order: Real World: Brooklyn, Top Chef, The Biggest Loser, Friday Night Lights, The Office, Ugly Betty, Brothers & Sisters, Will & Grace re-runs, The City, ANDERSON COOPER 360 on CNN, every night at ten- oh my god, i'm so in love, haha.
> Um, DERRICK? Hahaha. Yep, he's just way too many things to type up, tonight. Yet, I have NO IDEA what will EVER become of us, fuck the fire academy, haha. Well, not really because it's a beautiful thing but way to take up all of his time. Oh & the fact that he JUST left the academy for the night & texted me, on his way out! Lord save my soul, hahaha.
> Lily Allen's new cd, it's SO FIERCE.
> Oatmeal with cranberries & piping hot, Earl Grey, which is, uh, all that I eat/drink anymore.
> This rainy weather, ahhh, I swear I'm supposed to live in New York because I, typically, HATE California weather, I'm a jeans & hoodie/jacket gal all the way.

I had a LONG day off of both work & school [WHAT?! I know, right?] including sleeping in until eight, - world record for me - High School Musical on Ice with Nick,[One of the many incredible things about my gay best guy friend], where I saw like five of the guys that I met the other night & was SO PUMPED on it, went to Auburn with Brick to grab lunch with my Ambie & trivia at seven, where our team did better than we'd presumed, but still pretty awful. Derrick was sending me pictures from the Fire Academy, tonight, which made me all giddy all night, haha. Here's the realization that i've come to in regards to Jesse...

I really, truly am slowly getting over this whole situation. It's just not a healthy one for my head or heart. Like, I just CANNOT wait for something that isn't a great situation, in the end. People DON'T change for anybody & he's no exception. Perhaps Derrick coming over the other night & just being there for me a LOT, lately, is helping me understand all of these things, but I think that just the core of the matter is that I deserve more than to chase some boy around forever who just doesn't really give more than two shits about general things in my life, like, uh, my well being? Our situation? Texting me at two in the morning after you've been drinking & saying, "I can't resist you" no longer becomes a cute thing, it's more of his version of a booty call. I'm not sure what the fuck was up with that, but I can say that no single part of me wanted him to come over after that.


That's what he does, he plays innocent & he's charismatic as shit & he smiles & gets away with it because he knows I'll fall for it? I just can't anymore, it's hard enough for me to even attempt to love myself. I can't care about you before myself. We all think we're going to be great but sometimes, our expectations sell us so short. On one hand, expectations can inspire me; on the other, they can let me down & I'm just not ready to be let down, again. So, please don't chase me anymore, unless you're ready to catch me because life is short & it sucks a lot of the time, but I can't waste another moment thinking about when you'll hurt me next. The truth is, I can't be with you like this. I just can't compromise myself like that, I mean, I'm an emotional person, I feel things & I need to be able to get upset & talk about how I'm feeling, that's who I am & I can't change it, I don't want to. You know that & you still want something with me "someday," you just aren't strong enough to have it, which, in a way, makes you a fucking coward.


I'm ready to move on & see what else is out there. It's one thing to say you're going to let go, it's another to actually do just that, to loosen your grip & let yourself fall.

I can't help but feel that I'm just moving in slow motion & everything around me is moving so fast. All that I desire is to go back to when things were normal.

I'm not even sure if I could fit EVERYTHING that took place, last night, into one entry, but I must! Lets just say that this day wasn't as bad as I'd cracked it up to be.

Last night, after getting my nails done, I rushed home to feed Gats & get ready for my night out with Chelle, Janet & Nick. Well, Derrick texts me & says, "Are you home?" to which I respond, "Only for, like, a half hour so I can go pre-game with the girls, haha." He, then, calls me a few minutes later asking which exit is mine off the freeway because he's on his way over, if that's okay. I'm like, "uhh, yeah!" So he showed up & that's when it happened, I fell for him ALL OVER AGAIN. Although we text nearly every day, I hadn't seen him in like a month & that's ONLY if I get lucky enough to see his fine ass at the gym. Jesus, Mary & Joseph, I about died with just a glance of him & his perfect outfit & ajsldkjaslja, haha. A navy blue baseball shirt - anything baseball is the key to my heart, navy blue dickies & all black vans. It was interesting since we honestly have NEVER seen each other outside of the gym, aside from myspace, but yeah. I had on a black, lacy Forever 21 shirt & Abercrombie jeans with flats. When he walked in, he's like, "oh wow, it's nice to see you in jeans - not that you don't look lovely in gym clothes..." Hahaha. So, we really just sat on my bed, playing with Gatsby & talking. He smelled DE-LISH, but I had to leave shortly after to head out for my night, so he left to babysit his brothers' daughters, wah wah, flawless. So, I walked out with him & hugged him, goodbye, while saying, "I'd better see you REAL soon" to which he responded with, "You will." I was seriously giddy as all fuckity fuck fuck, driving to Chelles'. I texted him after a while & said, "You didn't tell me that I had huge bags under my eyes, tonight..." His response? "No, what I forgot to tell you was how great you looked!" Pretty sure it was, then, that my entire body turned into jello, haha.

Badlands was AMAZING, as usual & Casey made us cheap ass drinks with SO MUCH ALCOHOL. I had two tequila sunrises after already pre-gaming with Patron & I swear, he put so much in it that it was probably only an inch of anything else. I ended up dancing with this adorable gay guy who later told me that he plays the part of Ryan in High School Musical on Ice, which I'm going to see tomorrow because, uh, I'm twelve. I was beyond overjoyed at this discovery & made my night complete. Then Jesse texted me, trying to get laid, presumably? Who knows & I don't give a fuck right now.

Yeah, not a fan of it, haha. It's a made up holiday & it only made the restaurant absolute chaos, all morning/afternoon. Eight & a half hours later & a bunch of money that makes me so happy, I'm home & getting ready to get my nails done, just purchased my Fall Out Boy tickets! Haha.


Sister time, next & then Badlands with Chelle<3

I've had one of the toughest three days at work, this week. Two more days & then freedom, or something like that, for two days off. My schedule is nice because I DO make really good money, but I have NO life, it seems. Like having mondays & tuesdays as my weekend is draining, especially because I have classes BOTH of those days; I want a break, a vacation, anything. New York is going to be SO delicious in six months! Although, Michelley mentioned New York in december, instead of august & it didn't sound half bad, I must say. I just don't want to go at the most humid month of the year as much as I'd love to go when it's freeeeezing, haha. I'm so in love with cold weather. It's been pouring, here, all day. I woke up at 5:15 this morning with the rain dancing on my windows, ah! I was way too eager to shower & get ready for work because of it; there's just something about that rain, haha. My boss was on cunt patrol, this morning so that was exciting. I know it's nothing against me because she loves me, she's just terrified. As a business owner, this economy is gut wrenching, well, for EVERYONE. After work, I ate a well done garden patty with mushrooms and...french fries, fuck my life:/ I had to stop by the Arco Arena box office to pick up the High School Musical on Ice tickets for monday, hahaha. Nick & I are going to be in complete heaven, have I mentioned that I'm, uh, TWELVE?! God. I came home, where my gorgous little Gatsby awaited my return in his kennel. I will NEVER get over how pumped he gets when he sees me after hours of not, haha. We watched Ellen, which made me die of laughter, as always, while he fell asleep on my chest. Haha, I seriously laughed out loud for, like, an entire ten minute segment.


Now, I'm procrastinating making a Target run to get toilet paper & puppy potty pads, mainly. A huge reason of me not doing so at this moment in time is that my pup is sound asleep on my foot & I just cannot bear to move his precious little head only to put him in his kennel for, like, thirty minutes. Chelle is coming over tonight to visit her nephew, er, my puppy, haha. Apparently Derrick wants to come over...? I'm thoroughly confused about that situation but I would just die if he did! Welp, the great Gats has woken from his mini slumber & now sits on my lap, licking my arm, haha.

Pretty sure that thursdays should be completely BANNED from life, seriously.
Work: 7-2, school 3-8.

Thankfully, my grandparents are in love with Gatsby & totally don't mind puppy sitting him alllll day! My brain is so fried that I'm not even inspired to write all of my thoughts. I will say, though, that if I were ever in a relationship where my boyfriend ordered for me at restaurants, I'd have to get out of it ASAP. Like, really? What kind of people are you?! Haha, sorry to offend anyone who's boyfriends do that... <3

Highlights of my day:

> Woke up at seven to find the puppy love of my life, Gatsby, curled up in a ball at the foot of my bed, between my legs. Fed him breakfast, while I started my tea kettle for some oatmeal, before the gym.

> Ate an entire Baja Fresh veggie burrito, with no shame, until later, of course.

> Three pages of notes during my Western Civ lecture & I'm actually VERY intrigued by the whole idea of Mesopotamian culture.

> HOT TEA. HOT TEA. HOT TEA.

> Got my laundry done! :]



Lowlights of my day:

> Skipped the treadmill, completely, this morning, costing me about three hundred calories that I could've burned.

> THE BURRITO.

> Taking a nap around one or so, sleeping through not only my 3pm speech class, then waking up at the very start of my stretch yoga class, ugh. Mind you, I live a good 30 minutes away from campus, so I didn't make it in time to either class, aslkdjasa. I feel so awful & my speech prof, apparently, only allows ONE absence & then takes you off her role sheet. Like, seriously, ONE? So I have to email her tomorrow & make up something, credible, I guess, fingers crossed for me? :/

Back to work tomorrow, what a blah two days free from work, my life is so non-stop, I could scream!

Just found out that FOB will be in Sacramento at the beginning of April, tickets go on sale on saturday, happy early birthday to me? Haha, this will be my third FOB show & I'm pumped because I'm in love with Patrick Stump, hmmhmm.

In other news, is it just me or did the Grammys, last night, uh, SUCK? Haha, seriously Katy Perry could possible be the biggest hot mess out there, right now. Kanyes' mullet? GOD AWFUL. M.I.A's pregnant ass belly in that hideous frock she seemed to have put together all by herself, so gross, although I do give her credit for being due THAT DAY & still performing with three of the best rappers in the game, right now. That bitch holds her own, haha. Yayyyyy for Weezy winning three grams & Adele for best new artist; gah her voice cripples me in the best way. & Kings of Leon winning for best rock performance by a duo or band, dammit, they're incredible. I thought, for sure, that Coldplay would sweep everything with their beautiful album, but they seemed to share the love! Ah what I would give to listen to Chris Martin on piano for the rest of my days. Oh & I'm obsessed with Taylor Swift, whether I like to admit that or not, I cannot take her album out of my car to save my life & she really does no wrong, including her performance, last night, but sweet Jesus, Miley Cyrus, really?! That's who she wanted on stage with her? Puke. My Jo Bros were not so impressive, but I just want to pinch their cheeks & kiss 'em; I'd swipe Joe Jonas' V card, too, given the opportunity, hahaha, I'm a whore.

Texted Jesse today, asking him what he's doing on saturday for Valentines Day. His response? "Oh, I totally didn't realize it was Valentines Day." OF COURSE NOT. Hahaha. DV has been texting me, non stop, which I'm completely okay with, but maybe I shouldn't be? I don't even know anymore; he even called me the other night because his phone wasn't letting him text me, haha, random. He wants to see me once our lives slow down, but with me not having time for anything but work, school, gym & my puppy & him being in the fire academy, now, who knows what will happen?

I got two inches cut off of my hair, this morning, thank GOD, but fuck my thick ass hair, haha.

Gatsby just fell asleep on my feet so I should probably finish reading Perez & get ready for bed, I've got a long work out planned for the morning! <3

I'm going to Kelso's, tonight, to get sloshed, yep.
I've had a long mother fucking week & it seems that I get more & more vulgar as my week goes by.




I constantly check my phone, waiting for a text from you.
A part of me dies every time I check and nothing is there.



I have tons to write tomorrow, after work & the gym.
I've had one of the worst weeks with the battle of my head & my body.
I kind of hate everything about myself, anymore & that's more disheartening than anything.
I need to stay strong for myself, I know this, but I only remain strong for those that are pulling for me to come through to the other side, safely.

In a letter I received from Mary, last month, she wrote:
"Have you given up something in particular for 2009? I bet you have & I bet it's got something {or everything} to do with weight loss."


I wish her assumption was wrong.

Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out, desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most are those who don't know what they want. It seems that when we give up on what was, well, that's when things that we thought improbable or impossible, even, happen right before your eyes.



I see you & I drop ten stories inside.




Last night was really GOOD for us.

The Steelers made history when they defeated the Arizona Cardinals 27-23 in Super Bowl XLIII to win their sixth Super Bowl, the first team in NFL history to accomplish that.

Some last minute heroics by quarterback Ben Roethlisberger and Super Bowl MVP Santonio Holmes secured the win, when he scored the go ahead touchdown with just 35 seconds left on the clock.

The Steelers were in control for the majority of the game, but the Cardinals fought back to take a late lead. That’s when Roethlisberger and Holmes hooked for the game-winning drive.

The Steelers came out of the gates strong, driving down the field on their opening drive. Roethlisberger hit Hines Ward at the 50-yard line and Ward broke free for a 38-yard gain to the Cardinals 32-yard line. Willie Parker rattled off a nine-yard run and added a one-yard carry for the first down. Roethlisberger went to the air again, connecting with Heath Miller at the one-yard line. On first-and-goal Gary Russell lost four yards, but Parker got them right back. Roethlisberger took it himself on third-and-goal for an apparent touchdown, but the Cardinals challenged the call and he was ruled down short of the goal line. Jeff Reed came on for a chip shot from 18 yards out to give the Steelers the 3-0 lead.

James Farrior stopped Edgerrin James for no gain on the Cardinals first offensive play, but Kurt Warner was then able to find Steve Breaston for a 10-yard gain to their 37-yard line. A holding call on the next play backed the Cardinals up to the 27-yard line. Warner fumbled the snap on the next play, but James came up with the recovery. The Cardinals weren’t able to get out of the hole they dug themselves, though, and were forced to punt.

Roethlisberger continued with the hot hand, hitting Santonio Holmes who turned it in to a 25-yard gain to the Cardinals 44-yard line. Roethlisberger hit Holmes again for five yards, but a false start on the next play wiped out the gain. On third-and-10 Roethlisberger worked his magic, escaping the pressure, getting free and then firing it across to field to Miller for an 11-yard gain. Roethlisberger went back to Miller for 11 yards before Parker went off right tackle for eight yards to the 14-yard line. A short gain by Parker and completion to Miller gave the Steelers a third-and-goal at the one-yard line. This time there would be no denying them as Gary Russell took it off right guard for the touchdown and 10-0 lead.

The Cardinals came marching back, though, with a key play in their drive a 45-yard completion to Anquan Boldin at the one-yard line. Warner hit Ben Patrick for the one-yard touchdown to pull the Cardinals within a field goal at 10-7.

Neither team was able to go anywhere on the next drive, but then the Cardinals got a huge break when Bryan Robinson tipped a Roethlisberger pass and Karlos Dansby intercepted it at the Steelers 33-yard line. The Steelers got pressure on Warner forcing two incomplete passes, but on third down Warner hit Tim Hightower for a first down. Warner kept it in the air with an 11-yard completion to Larry Fitzgerald for a 12-yard gain toe the 12-yard line. Boldin pulled in a seven-yard gain and added a four-yard gain to the one-yard line.

Just as the Cardinals were poised to at the very least tie the game going into the half, Harrison showed why he was named the NFL’s Defensive Player of the Year when he intercepted Warner at the goal line. Harrison, who was aided by blocks along the right sideline, returned it 100 yards for a touchdown as time ran out in the half for a 17-7 lead. The touchdown was the longest play in Super Bowl history.

The Cardinals came out in the second half and started to move the ball with a completion to Boldin and then three consecutive runs by James for a combined total of 19 yards. The defense shut the door fast, though, allowing just two short gains and then forcing an incompletion when Farrior got to Warner to force an incompletion.

Holmes pulled in a six-yard reception along the sideline, but a face mask call added another 15 yards. Roethlisberger kept things rolling with completions to Matt Spaeth for six yards and Ward for five. Roethlisberger had to get rid of the ball while under pressure, but was hit late on the play for a 15-yard penalty, giving the Steelers the ball on the Cardinals 35-yard line. Roethlisberger hit Holmes for 15 yards and Parker went off right tackle for 15 yards. The Steelers weren’t able to punch it into the end zone, and Reed came on for a 27-yard field goal, but the Cardinals were called for a personal foul when holder Mitch Berger was run over. The Steelers got a new set of downs, but still had to settle for a Reed field goal for a 20-7 lead with 2:16 to play in the third quarter.

The Cardinals weren’t going away, though. Warner engineered an impressive scoring drive, completing all eight of his pass attempts for the 87 yards of the scoring drive, which culminated in a one-yard touchdown reception by Fitzgerald to pull them within six at 20-14.

Things continued to go in the Cardinals favor when they pinned the Steelers back at their own one-yard line. On third down, center Justin Hartwig was called for holding in the end zone, resulting in a safety to close the gap to 20-16.

The Cardinals made it count, when Fitzgerald caught a 64-yard touchdown pass from Warner, to take their first lead of the game, 23-20.

The Steelers fought back, though, and Holmes scored the winning touchdown with just 35 seconds left on the clock.

Lets do it again, boys, number six! :]

Thanks to Perez for keeping me informed on, well, everything...

The New York Times has revealed it's 4th quarter earnings for 2008 & it's even worse than expected!

Fourth-quarter 2008 operating profit decreased to $63.3 million from $101.5 million in the 2007 fourth quarter.




SO SAD for journalism majors, world-wide:/

"I don't want to hurt your feelings anymore, Sarah. I just want you to understand that I just got out of a relationship, I have nothing against you, if anything, I'm scared, I just don't want what you want, right now & that's why I'm backing off. I don't know what else to do. I'm scared because I don't want to move fast at all, I'm just scared of everything. I feel like I should give myself a chance to actually be single, like I enjoy talking to you but it shouldn't be every day. I am a horrible communicator, I know. I just mainly am concerned about not hurting you. It's not that I don't want to talk to you or that I don't care because I don't want to lead you on when I don't even know what I want."


It's knee buckling how sad I am; how much more can we hurt each other until we get this shit right? You've now fucked me in more ways than literally and that's what is so different this time around, what are you scared of anyway? Oh no, watch out, I might treat you beautifully, value who you are as a person who I care SO much about? Wait, I've got it, you're terrified that maybe, perhaps, you'll fall in love with me & - even crazier - I'll love you so much that it may even make your heart bleed a bit. We're both immensely flawed because, well, we're human? I'm not even saying that you not wanting what I want right now is ridiculous because it's the same thing I did after my horrific break up with Brandon; it's taken me well over a year to finally come to terms with that. You're incredibly smart for not wanting to be in another serious relationship after what you've been through. But, how is it possible for ANYBODY to just back off from someone that they've cared about for ten years?

Not only did you say you were backing away, but your reasoning is that you, "just don't know what else to do," perhaps hanging around me would be an idea? Like, are we supposed to just not talk anymore? Because I'm just not okay with that, as if I didn't already pick myself apart on the daily, now I'm completely broken, feeling like you just don't care anymore. You say you do, but I'm not at all convinced or we wouldn't be doing this, STILL. Obviously, I'm not so concerned that you don't want a relationship but rather that you seem as if you only want absolute single-dom, like, that it'd be nice to talk to me every so often, but not TOO much! As if I haven't left the ball in your god damn court already, now no matter how much or often I'm wanting to contact you, that's up to you, too? What a fucked up situation we've found ourselves in, now, huh, Jesse?

I have no idea where to go from here & I'm sick of worrying about stepping on your toes anymore, especially because I haven't done SHIT wrong.

I feel like we're standing on the edge of something so incredible & all that I want is for you to jump with me, is that too much to ask? :/